A Feeling in My Bones

I don’t write often anymore, but I always get the urge to write when something monumental happens in my life. 

I am not sure how many times in my life I have been told I am like my Grandma Carolyn. It would probably number in the hundreds, at the very least. I look like her, I act like her. I have her intuition and strength. I can be naive and gullible. 

She passed away this week and I have been trying so hard to process this loss. Over the years of my life, I didn’t get as much time with her as I did with my other grandparents, but this is mostly because she was living out her dreams for life. And because of her passion for life, she has been one of my greatest sources of inspiration, always. She taught me what it meant to be brave, to be passionate, to trust myself, and to be honest. 

At the age of 25, as a young married mother of 2, she moved across the world to become a missionary in what was then Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). I am so lucky to have a book full of letters that she wrote during her time there. I have always been entranced by story. True stories have been the inspiration of my life. And, this book of letters was probably one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I feel like I can relive the moments right along with her. My grandparents were missionaries in Zim for about 15 years. She had always dreamed of becoming a missionary.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to hear and learn about was Africa. It was a feeling, deep in my bones, that would not let go. My love for Africa came directly from my Grandma Carolyn and my dad. I wanted to hear every story. I wanted to know every detail. I knew Africa was where I was meant to be. I am lucky enough to have fulfilled this dream, as I sit in my living room looking out at the variable sunbirds in my Nairobi garden. This dream would not have been possible without my Grandma’s stories and letters. She showed me that it was possible to dare to believe in your dreams. 

Grandma Carolyn taught me the importance of being honest. I always had questions about my family history, and she never made me feel small or insignificant. She would answer my questions with honesty and clarity. She taught me the importance of honoring and respecting emotions. She validated how I felt, and honored her own feelings. She modeled the importance of talking about how you felt. 

She taught me to be a strong, independent woman. My grandmother lost two children over the course of her life. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain she experienced. I have thought of her pain in those losses often lately. Grandma Carolyn was always straightforward about the deep pain those losses caused for her, but at the same time, she never let the pain hold her back from living her life. She was strong, independent, and passionate. 

Grandma Carolyn taught me to trust myself, my intuition. She always told me that she thought I was special. She told me I was here for a purpose. She always told me she was proud of me, for just exactly who I was. She trusted her gut, she trusted in Jesus. She modeled for me that it was so sweet to believe deeply in Jesus, to trust and to feel His love, to follow a path laid out by Him.

I would not be who I am today, at 30, without this woman. She shaped me in ways I am not sure I know how to describe fully. She lived such an amazing life and did so many incredible things. I wish I could write her whole story, from start to finish. 

But, for now, as I grieve, these words will have to do. Grandma, I want to thank you for inspiring me, for validating me, for making me always feel significant and loved, and for showing me Jesus. I will miss you always. I have peace knowing you are reunited with Jesus and your beloved daughters–embracing in Heaven. Hug them for me; I love you and I am so proud to be your granddaughter.

-R